Why did they say ‘Yes’?
Trigger Warning
“I thought she was into it. She didn’t say No”
“They didn’t stop me, so I assumed they wanted it too.”
This was the vague, general opinion that a couple of people shared when the conversation on clarity of consent arose. My limitation in this conversation was that I only had it with heterosexual men. As a disclaimer: this may not be limited to men, women and heteronormative interactions.
The first time I had this colloquy, it was the fag-end of the #MeToo movement, and the news of Aziz Ansari’s alleged infraction was on the news. His disbelief over the basis of the accusation was what instigated the exchange. We both read the post by the woman who had accused him of sexual abuse, and understood it differently. It made sense to me, and it made no sense to him.
Let’s roll back and recreate this scenario for a minute. Two people meet at a bar, or for a date. The meet is primarily casual, and both individuals are probably even looking for a hook-up. A spirited conversation ensues; laughing, mutual flirtation-both verbal and non-verbal. He says, “Why don’t you come over, and we’ll continue this over coffee or another drink”. Herein lies the first step of discrimination.
As glamorously popularised in movies, this is considered a green signal to ‘consensual’ sex. Wrong answer!! In fact there are equal chances she isn’t looking for sex at all. Confused? Yeah, that comes from conditioning based on male-centric movies where the protagonist (again primarily male) gets laid.
However, if you really peek into a women’s psyche, she’s just looking for more reasons to like you. Simple.
Let’s fast forward the handsy drive to his house, and arrive at his/her house. Both of them let their guard down; if I know women, and I am one, she never completely lets her guard down. Nevertheless, there is a general air of relaxation, and candor. Here is where things can either go right or wrong.
In general, this is considered assent to foreplay. However, is it? Are you sure she wants to make out? Or are you going ahead and caressing her thigh or boob assuming that since you are home, you can. How was her body language after the first touch? Did she reciprocate, and was her body relaxed? Or did she wince or her body retract? Even if you say no, have you even noticed?
Let me give you a first-hand narration of what goes on in her head.
‘Okay, he is sitting really close, I think he wants to take it forward. I am not sure I want to.’
‘Shit did he just put his hand on me? Should I go ahead because he wants to? I am not really comfortable. Oh god, if I say No now, it will become really awkward. He must have thought I came here for sex.’
‘‘Hey, I got work early tomorrow, it’s already quite late, I’ll take a cab home.’’
‘‘No, it’s cool I’ll take a cab myself, you don’t need to drop me tomorrow.’’
‘We’ve already started, but I really don’t want to go down on him.’ ‘He’s taking his hand down, how do I stop him without insulting him?’
‘Shit if I say No now, it will become really awkward, and he might even get angry.’
To a lot of you this may sound like a woman who has low self-esteem. Correction: not always true.
So let’s come back to the question, “Why did she say ‘Yes’, when she wanted to say ‘No’.”
Here’s why; deeply entrenched patriarchy.
You could be rolling your eyes and saying, here goes another ‘feminist’ blaming the patriarchy. Honestly, as cliché as it may sound, it is true.
How many times has the ‘wedding’ and ‘marriage’ been the highlight of a girls life from a very young age? We have all participated in that game of making her relationship with a man the highlight of her life.
How many of you have heard family members make fun of how a girl will be after marriage. I remember my family members making fun of me, statements like,
“Once she is married she will learn to cook.”
“Learn to clean your room, how will you take care of your family when you have one?”
“Girls serve to the guests. Serve the uncles first.”
“How dare you talk back to your father.”
“I’ll tell your father what you have been upto.”
“You are too aggressive for a girl”
All this before I turned 11.
By the time she is 13, god forbid puberty hits in its rebellious form, a 13 year old girl is penalised for having her own thoughts and being disrespectful. She is considered ‘wild’ when she expresses herself implicitly, and this is deeply solidified by the time she is 16. In comparison, a boy is considered officially out-of-hand only after 17–18.
If I have lost you, let me rein you back. Firstly, a woman’s identity is linked to a man from a tender age of 4–6. Secondly, a man’s word is paramount. Thirdly, speaking up is a dereliction of being a woman. She is considered a good girl when she listens to elders, and is soft and demure. Finally, not that we need one, ingrained fear of creating a scene and its consequences, paralyses.
So in that moment when she is screaming of discomfort in her head, she is flooded with this preprogrammed nature, and it is only after, in the comfort of her own surroundings she feels she can truly express herself.
Men out there may ask, “How do we know? We aren’t mind readers?”
True, you aren’t mind readers. I am with you. Nevertheless, you are missing the non-verbal clues in your lust. Her slight stiffness of body. Her hand gently stopping yours. The excuse to retire to bed early. Her insistence to go back on her own. I could go on.
This isn’t a tease. Let me repeat that, this isn’t a tease.
It’s a ‘No’. Only porn re-emphasises a woman’s ‘No’ as a ‘Yes’. And we all know porn is made for the male gaze. Reality is, if she wants it, she will let you know.
Period.
Why am I writing about this today? I was talking to my girlfriend about an episode on The Bold-Type, where the amicable, feminist male coworker was shocked when he was implicated in post about abuse. He was not only shocked, but heavily confused. We talked, and realising that this deeply entrenched role that is fed to us as girls, has led to almost every woman experiencing such an encounter atleast once.
I will go as far as to say; particularly the sexually active millennials, who have groped their way through sexual abuse and their rights, suffering one or more than one unfortunate experience.
This is a conversation we have to have, with our friends, no matter the gender or orientation. It is through open, honest and raw conversation that one can understand not only ourselves, but also ensure that the generations coming after are protected from these unnecessary harmful experiences.
Let’s talk.
